Last night, I was summoned upstairs by a distraught 4 year old telling me she didn't want to die. "Mommy, I don't want to die and go to heaven. Mommy, I don't want to grow old and die and I don't want you to die!" Whoa. Heavy. I really hadn't thought about this conversation, I mean, we have spoken about my parent's dogs dying and how her Nana passed when she was just a baby; but, we never talked about her dying...or even that it was a possibility.
I was a bit dumbfounded, and I am not even sure I handled it in a decent way. I tried, though, through tears I that I lied about and said were because of allergies. Her biggest concern was going to heaven. Where was it? How would she get there? Why would she have to go? Who else was there? What do you do there?
Then it hit me. How could I tell my child that she was going to go to heaven when I didn't even know if heaven really existed? I mean, do I stack this up with the lies I have been telling her about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? I am having a really hard time with my own faith much less guiding her in her faith. She asked me how I knew about heaven and how did *I* know she would be going there. It was really sweet though, she was so concerned about it and genuinely worried and curious. My heart was full.
This is where I am hating myself for not having enough faith. I am on the sea of questions at this moment, and I can't guarantee my darling P that there is a heaven. I can't. I am not challenging a higher being to prove it to me, but I am struggling on my quest for faith. And, I don't want to bring my daughter down with me.
So, this is what I said, not verbatim but in a nutshell:
"P, you need to put the thought of dying out of your head. I don't want you worrying yourself about that; but, honey, everybody dies. You are still a tiny girl and have many years to live. Mommy wants you to concentrate on having fun, being good to your brother and your family, and being a kind and loving friend. Those things are what's most important."
She said, "I don't want to get older! And, when I go to heaven you have to come with me!"
I said, "I will probably be there waiting for you."
She said, "Mommy, if I am going to heaven, I need to take my Jessie doll and my lip gloss."
I can barely write all of this without bringing myself to tears.
3 comments:
Have you read parenting beyond belief yet? I have a copy for you to borrow if you're ready. Even if you have faith, I think it's a great book about how to raise open questioning kids.
I think it's a very common concern of 4 year olds to be concerned about dying. Lil was and is. It always seems to come up at bedtime too, which is not when I want her to be thinking about such things!
My main points in discussing death with her are: 1) I keep her safe and we work on being healthy so that she can live a long time, 2) everyone dies so we have to live a fun full life everyday and 3) no one knows what happens after we die. Questioning and wondering are good, now go to bed. ;)
Thank, Rachel. I'll check that out.
Well, my friend, I am not the expert on parenting, but I do have strong faith. What I know about faith is that faith is not to have a perfect knowledge...but to hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
If you hope that there is a heaven, then let that hope live inside you until it becomes belief...and go from there.
I look forward to being reunited with loved ones when I pass from this life, and this is what I teach my children to hope for as well.
After certain experiences that I have been through, such as the passing of my Grandmother, my hope has been transformed into belief so strong that I am quite certain that there is something waiting for us on the other side.
Keep searching. I am sure that you will find the answers, if you seek with real intent...
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