I don't know what my problem is. Seriously, why can't I get through one day without worrying about my demise? Is it because I have a baby and a toddler to look after now? Is it because I feel like I have so much to do before I die that I don't want to go?
I believe I am feeling like this for numerous reasons. As I grow older, so do my parents and so do my friends. One of my good friends just celebrated her 40th birthday and that kind of freaked me out. We have been friends for about 10 years and I don't think of her as 40 - I think of her as 30 - like when I met her. Age doesn't really matter anyhow, but sometimes society can make a person really think about numbers - for instance, friend Amanda's blog entry about feeling old at 31! What?! Has society made us feel like once we hit 30 we are ancient? Like actually living our lives occurred between 15 and 29 and then, well, you kind of suck and you may as well be in the grave? I really don't think so. I don't fall into this mindset, and nor will I ever. I believe that you are only as young as you feel, and if you feel ancient, then you are. Very simple, really. But, even if your mind is young, the cells in your body are aging whether you like it or not...but 30? c'mon.
Another reason I think I feel strained by these morbid thoughts is because one of my very best friends was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It ended up spreading so far she had a complete hysterectomy and then some. It was awful. She is recovering beautifully, but she is ONLY 36. Cancer just sucks.
Then, and this is hard for me to write about because I am trying not to face it. My dad has to get another lead put into his heart. I guess it is supposed to help, but it also tells me that his heart is pretty weak. He is so tired and distant all the time now. It makes me very sad, and this is even too much to write at the moment. So onto me....
Ever since I had children I have been in pain. I think once I stop breastfeeding it will get better, but my knees and joints ache everyday. It is scary. Like my dad's situation, I try to ignore it as best I can, but then my uterus hurts, I have a pain in my leg that won't go away and I feel like I am having trouble breathing. I sound like a total messy hypercondriac, but these things make me worry. I am going to see my doctor Monday for a physical. He'll run blood tests and tell me to chill more than likely, but I am prepared for him to tell me to see a knee specialist. We'll see. It may just be something like bursitis. Oh, and that is because I am over 30 and not in my 20's, btw. haha.
or....could it be because I am reading a book about vampires? hmmm...
5 comments:
Are you reading Twilight?
And friend, I feel like I *wrote* this blog. The drugs help. I don't know why this happens when you have kids, but I know it.
Hey, thanks for the advice about thinking young. I really needed it. I think I was going through the same emotions as you when I wrote that post, partly due to my ankle and partly due to the fact that my friend's dad died that morning. I hate it when we're faced with our own mortality and aging. B and I bought a bunch of Chinese take-out last night, had friends over, and played a couple of games. It was nice to feel young again!
Yes, you must be reading Twilight...I haven't read any of those books, but the author was Steve's sister's roommate and they are still buddies. Claim to fame! Oh, yeah, and the character named Renae (who is the Mom I guess) was named after Steve's sister Renae.
Age - ugh - I feel like I am in a funny place, because all of the women who I know who have kids my age are either 10 years younger than me or 10 years older. It's so weird. And then there's a friend of mine who is always going on about being old. After knowing her for a year I finally asked her just how old she is...turns out she is just 4 months YOUNGER than I am! I had to laugh my head off.
I think as you do that age is all in your head. But sometimes it bugs me when women assume they are older than I am just because their kids are older. Weird Mommy dynamics...
Go to the doctor. :) You'll be ok!
So I am the one who just turned 40 that you are talking about! I know it! and I too have aches and pains and worry more than I should about dying and I don't even have kids. I can't wait to see how I feel then. Yes, and I am going to try soon to have kids for all of you that don't know me and read this because I don't care that I am 40. I still play basketball with a bunch of 25 to 30 years olds every Tuesday night and they are mostly guys. I go to the gym Monday, Weds, and Friday to have a trainer kick my ass, and on the weekend sometimes I go to his boot camp. After I play basketball I am so stiff sometimes I have trouble getting up to my 3rd floor condo, but again I just don't care. I love basketball. My mind says I am 25, I don't think I look what a 40 year old should look like, and my grandfather used to say, if you stop moving they will throw dirt on you. That doesn't mean I don't have morbid thoughts once in a while. I thought last year I was going to have a heart attack and it was just acid reflux, no doubt brought on by two crazy moms helping to plan my wedding. So in the end I had to stop eating a few things, but it was all stuff I shouldn't have been eating anyway. Anyway, best thing you could do to ease your mind is go to the doctor, and then think of me. I got married 3 months ago for the first time to my 30 year old husband. For me life seems to be beginning at 40 and if I have to deal with a few aches and pains so be it. Love you
Hi! I found a link to your page from "Crunchy Not Chewy," and I enjoy reading your posts. Anyway, I just had a baby in December of 07 and I, too, have very achy knees. One will hurt for about a week and then the other will take its turn, but both of them pretty much constantly hurt. It's always quite painful to stand up. I have wondered if I need to go see someone about it. I am breastfeeding as well - I haven't considered the fact that it may subside once I quit.
I just thought I'd tell you that I feel your pain, literally.
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