First time...

Have a baby has been the most difficult and challenging days of my life. And, most of it is caused by worry. If I am not tending to my little baby I am worried if she is okay. If I am not changing a poopy diaper I am worried that she isn't getting enough breast milk. If I am not putting her on a schedule I am worried that I will be judged by other mothers. If I feed her cereal I am afraid she'll be fat. Before I even had her I worried if she was going to be okay. It is a neverending cycle.

I don't remember anyone telling me how hard it was to have a baby, or how you can poo on the labor table, or how breastfeeding is supposed to be natural, but how it doesn't seem natural at all. I think I cried the first few weeks of my daughter's life because I was figuring all of this out. I even had a friend who just became a new mother call me and say she thinks she made the biggest mistake of her life. The thing is, I love children, and I not only love my daughter but am IN love with her, and I can totally understand why my friend would say this. It isn't about the love for her baby, it is about the responsibility and emotional rollarcoaster you go on being a first time parent. Your hormones are so whacked out that you need talked off a ledge most of the time the first month of your baby's life.

I know I saw my baby as a project. She was something I needed to keep alive because my life depended on it. Learning to breastfeed was a nightmare, painful both emotionally and physically. If people EVEN KNEW the pain women go through to breastfeed their child they wouldn't say a WORD to them about how "gross" it is breastfeed in public. SHAME ON all of those people who have made a breastfeeding mother feel bad for feeding her baby. SHAME ON them.

Once I got her fed, then I had trouble making sure the diaper fit properly. She leaked all over the place many, many times. I was constantly washing her linens and clothing because I wasn't putting the diaper on tight enough. I also learned that my baby wasn't a napper. Yeah, she'd lay down for 20 minutes, but that is pretty much the length of time I got to nap myself or do the dishes, or even take a shower...shower? I kind of forgot what that was for a bit. Now I actually shave my legs AND wash my hair at least three times a week.

The thing is, I would give up a shower forever for my little angel. She's in her crib right now listening to her mobile, and sneezed. I think I have heard the best sound I'll hear all day.