P's First Slumber Party

Well, P had her first slumber party over the weekend and she had a terrific time. It was a slumber party for her cousin's 6th birthday with a Valentine's Day theme. When Candyce called and told me it was a slumber party I was hesitant. I trust Candyce, and I know how great she is with kids - she's a great mom and was an early childhood educator and administrator before she had her two girls, but I still thought P was too young at her tender age of 4 to be going to a slumber party.

Hubby and I discussed it and he said she'd have a blast. He wasn't worried, primarily because it was Candyce and primarily because he thought P would have fun. Me, I don't like for my kids to have fun...no seriously, I was just worried. I know how she is going to bed at night; how sometimes she wakes with leg pain; how sometimes she has nightmares; and how sometimes she just needs met to come and lay down with her to help her drift back to dreamland. I guess that was my problem...what if she needed me and I wasn't there to comfort her?

I decided to pack up all of her things and make the decision at the party. If P wanted to stay I would let her, and hubby and I prepared ourselves to go get her in the middle of the night if need be.

Well, we got to the party and Candyce had hearts and balloons everywhere, she had crafts for the kids, pizza, cake, and the kids brought Valentine's to exchange. It was adorable - as I mentioned, Candyce was an early childhood educator - she gets kids. The girls that were there were P's three cousins (Candyce's 2 and Brett's 1), Candyce's soon to be step-daughters, and then two of Mindy's little friends. All the girls were in kindy or first/second grade - and P loved being "taken care of" by the older girls. It was so cute. Well, when I was starting to get things together to go I pulled P aside and asked her if she wanted to stay. It was an immediate YES! Then I said "you know, mommy, daddy and E are leaving, so we won't be here." She, in her mature manner, said "mommy, it is okay. I won't be alone. All the girls are here!" I felt confident letting her stay...for her, not me.

When I spoke with Candyce the next day she mentioned that one of the older girls took P under her wing and helped her set up her sleeping bag and open her little gifts that Candyce had for each of the girls. I just smiled - I could tell P had a really good time and did really well away from me for the night. P was clearly tired, but clearly wanted to stay and play a bit longer - she loved being with the girls without mommy around.

A couple of things I want to remember....Candyce had make-up for the little girls and I don't let P wear make-up (well, chapstick and nail polish), and she is always bugging me to put on my eyeshadow and blush. I don't know why I am so weird about it (maybe b/c I wasn't allowed to wear make-up until I was 15...and NO play make-up when I was little). I tell P that she can wear it when she is older and that I will teach her how to put it on, so when I saw there was make-up I kind of rolled my eyes.

Anyhow, when Candyce was doing the make-up thing P said "Candyce, mommy doesn't let me put on make-up. I can't wait to tell her!" And, one other thing. Candyce said that P had a hard time going to sleep and asked if Candyce could hold her for a little bit. Candyce said of course and told me that it was really special because she loves P so much and doesn't get to see her often enough. She said she loved having that special time with P - I almost cried. It was so sweet.

First 6-miler

The weather has been dreadful - snow, cold, ice, you know, all the lovely stuff that makes up winter in Ohio? I am running in it. Four times a week I am getting my fanny out there and training for a half marathon. I don't know if I am a tad bit depressed because of the lack of vitamin D, but running helps. Especially, if I can run when the sun is out (or at least the gray is out emitting a touch of vital Vitamin D rays - a chewy tablet just isn't the same).

Yesterday, I ran 6 miles. The first 6 miles I have ever run. I was nervous about completing, nervous about not being able to breath for a such a distance, nervous about the snow on the trails, and nervous because 6 miles was going to determine whether I would fork over the $70 for the race. Well, I did it. I had to walk for 30 seconds at the end, but I did it. Today my quads are a little sore and last night I was feeling sore, but that is about it. Otherwise, my feet, ankles, toes, hips and shoulders feel fine. phew!

This week is a 3, 4, 2, and 5. I think I can handle it. I also need to get into the gym for some strength training or do some Jillian at home - hoping to help in regards to endurance.

Red Crayon Extraction Mission

A 3 year old boy wouldn't truly be 3 until he shoved something up his nose. I've heard horror stories from my friends about when they were little or of their own children shoving things in their noses or ears. These stories always ended up with infection or a trip to the emergency room. So, I was a little panicked when I say across the room "who wants a cookie" and his response is "I do, but I need this cwayon out of my nose fiwst."

I stopped and just stood there. Surely he was joking? Nope, a piece of red crayon was stuck in his right nostril just far enough in that I couldn't get it with my pinky finger. Just big enough that I couldn't tell him to breath in hoping it'd come out his mouth or that he'd swallow it. Just far enough in that I'd have to get tweezers and hope to God that I didn't pierce his brain. Just far enough in that I would probably have had to take him to the pediatrician's office (who I've visited probably 4 times already in January. The kids' doc and I are becoming BFFs) and ask them to remove it.

I called my husband at work and he just said "are you kidding?" Then he laughed. He knows how freaked out I get over situations like this - I could *never* be a nurse. He told me to wait until he got home if I felt as if I couldn't get it out.

So, I laid bubbies down, asked P to get her princess flashlight and shine it up his nose (now, she would make a good surgical nurse - steady and on the ready with that light she was), and I inserted the tweezers. That baby boy just laid there and let me do it. It was really quite cute. But, I didn't have time for coos, I was on a red crayon extraction mission. It failed.

I called hubby back and one of his coworkers suggested to make the boy sneeze. Well, low and behold, as I was on the phone bubbies let out not one, but two sneezes. I immediately got off the phone, told P to grab her princess flashlight again, and I scrubbed up (no, not really, no time for that!). My hopes of the sneeze dislodging that crayon were met, and I calmly put the tweezers up his nose and pulled out what was a much smaller piece of crayon than I imagined. bubbies said, "thanks mom" and gave me a big hug.

P.S. He shoved a popcorn kernal up his nose three days later. Immediately came up pointing to his nose and saying "sorry." That one was much harder to get out b/c of the way it is shaped. I had to do the old snake bite wound method to help me out. yuck.

Happy Birthday E!

bubbies turned 3 years old at 3:37 this morning!! Happy Birthday, my love.

I interviewed him to find out some of his favorite things.

Fave toy: Thomas and friends
Fave books: Thomas and friends
Fave food: cheese pizza
Fave drink: milk
Fave thing to do besides play trains: draw

"New" bed and first night

bubbies did awesome last night without his crib side. He DID get up at 3am as I anticipated, but it wasn't my scenario. He basically called me from his room and the covers had fallen off. He turned to his side and whispered "mommy, make me all comfy cozy again." So I covered him up and he went right back to sleep.

The cutest part was when he woke up. He just stood there similar to what he had done his whole life, waiting for me to come up and get him. We all piled in his room and coaxed him to get out. P even modeled how to do it. He just smirked, pretty pleased that he had the option of hopping in and out at will. He finally "slid" down his blankets to the floor and we all clapped and cheered. I love those moments with my kids.

Toddler Bed

bubbies got his crib side down today and we turned his crib into a toddler bed. Really, all we did was add the, what bubbies calls a "door," to one side of his crib. We are slowly transitioning him into a big boy bed. I am okay with this, remarkably, I think mainly because he is almost 3 and he is plenty big enough to not sleep in a crib any longer. That is also why I am not okay with it - my baby boy is plenty big enough not to sleep in a crib any longer.

We shall see how tonight goes with his new found freedom. I imagine this at 3am: two little boy eyes peering at me in the darkness and a sweet little boy voice saying, "lookie mama, I can get out of bed all by myself."

Week 2, which is really week three

I guess my first 4 mile run was wrapping up week one of training. It makes sense now why they asked if I was running 12 miles a week before signing up. Anyhoo...this week was hard because I've been sick, and taking care of sick children and have a sick husband. Needless to say, I am tired, really tired; but, I did my runs - not in their entirety, but I did them.

Day 1: 3 miler. Tuesday was a three mile run and I only did two, and much of it was walking. I had to hit the gym and use the dreadmill b/c of snow, and I was out of my mind after one mile. I think I brought on a side cramp just so I didn't have to finish. I am not sure if I can't get pacing or if it is a feeling of claustrophobia that hits, but I have a very difficult time on the treadmill. So: 2.5 miles down, mostly walking.

Day 2: 4-miler. I decided to get in the "racer run" this week. Racer runs are basically an additional run that you add to your training schedule that is a longer run and half of it is done at race pace. Race pace is a bit faster than what you normally run, because race days you are full of adrenaline and also wanting to keep up with faster runners, so you end up running a bit faster than your regular pace. My training group suggests running a minute behind your normal pace during training, or at a conversational pace. So, on our long Sunday runs we all talk the whole time. The pacer wants to be sure you aren't running too fast. Plus, my AWESOME pacer said that running slower to train will save your legs from injury, hopefully.

Anyhow, the race run. I got in 3.5 out of 4 miles this day. I got up at 6a to do this run, and when people started leaving for work I bailed. The roads were icy b/c we got snow the day before (hence the gym run) and I was afraid of getting hit by a sliding car. It is still really dark at 6a.

Day 3: 2-miler. Quick run, roads were clear in my neighborhood, and it was after hubby got home from work. It was hard, though, having breathing problems from congestion.

Day 4: 2-miler. Hard run - cold and lungs feeling congested. I felt a ton better after the run - it really helped clear out my lungs.

Day 5: 4-miler training group day. This was another hard day b/c I have chest congestion. It has gotten a ton better, but it is still there. I am also tired from not getting decent sleep b/c everyone in my house has been ill. But, I knew I could do it and it wasn't that bad.

Today is a rest day and I feel SO much better. I've been taking a ton of vitamin C and added a teaspoon of "the Mother" apple cider vinegar to my daily diet (yes, I am a hillbilly voodoo type of girl). Apple cider vinegar with the Mother is great for your overall health and your joints.

I will add that running outside in these cold temperature is totally doable with asthma. When it first started getting cold, I slowed my pace and my distance. Once my lungs got used to running in the cold I was fine - actually it is refreshing and I feel more accomplished running in the winter.

She is writing...

I love this. She's writing a story and including artwork. Can't wait to hear what it is about....

Week one: 1/2 Marathon Training

Okay, so I got through the first week of training for the 1/2 Marathon in May. I joined a training group with Frontrunner because they offered a long training session: 16 weeks. Everything I looked up online gave a 12 week training schedule (Disclaimer for those looking to use a program like that - I think you need to be able to run 3 - 4 miles before starting that type of training), so I think I'll be ready. My hopes are to get strong slowly. I am okay to run 5 straight miles right now, but I need to build endurance for 6 - 10 without risking injury. Last year I got a stress fracture because I think I did too much too soon, well, and also running a hard non-banked track that only went in one direction (I had no clue, though. People run it all the time). I also have exercise-induced asthma and am very cautious with my lungs. Right now I am doing fine. Actually, running has helped my breathing.

Onto my first week...

Sundays are my long run days and the days I run with the group. Last Sunday was a 4 mile run, which I had to miss because my kids were both sick. I made it up later that day, though. My left arch had been bugging me in my new shoes, and after the 4 miles it was on fire. Monday I took the shoes in and exchanged them for new ones. Frontrunner will exchange or reimburse shoes in decent condition - I had been running in mine for a month. I learned that running shoes should NOT need to be broken in - they should fit comfortably the first day you put them on. Seems my feet like Saucony Omni 10. I overpronate and need shoes that compensate for no arch.

Tuesday I ran 2 miles when hubby got home from work. My new shoes were awesome.

Thursday I missed my 3 mile run because the kids were both sick and it was also Three Kings Day. We made special enchiladas and Rosca De Reyes (which took ALL day). So, I ran on Friday. I only got in 2 miles because I had to run the treadmill. I call it the "dreadmill" because I really really do not like running on it. I can't get pacing, I feel claustrophobic, and I get really bored. I will have to do it though, and I am hoping the only times are when I have short runs to do. I also did the Jillian Michaels Shred workout. I am still sore from the chest flies!

Saturday I ran two miles in the afternoon. It was ridiculously cold, but after about a mile the body adjusts, the breathing calms down, and you actually get hot.

Sunday I ran 5 miles with the training group. This was by far the coolest run I have done. The group was divided by time and a pacer led each pack. I started with the 11 minute pack - I was scared to go any faster b/c I wanted the distance without my lungs killing me. The run was along the bike path from Antrim to Whetstone and back. The trail was covered in snow and it was only 10 degrees. When I was finished the water cooler was frozen solid, everyone had icicles in their hair and on their face. I think Lady Gaga would have died for my eyelashes - covered in fluffy snowy ice. It wasn't snowing, but the perspiration from my face immediately was freezing to the tiny hairs on my face and around my eyes. My breathing was fine and I felt great the whole time. My mood has been remarkably calm and good all day.

I am training for a half marathon

I have been hesitant to write that I was training for a half marathon because I wasn't sure I'd actually go through with it. But, I am. My first training run was 4 miles on Sunday, and last night I did 2 miles. Frontrunner has a training group that meets on Sunday mornings to do long runs together as well as get some coaching, and I decided to sign up. I made it official...the training that is, not the actual race because I have yet to register. I guess I still can't believe I am going through with it.

Making a 16 week commitment to run 13 miles seems extreme to me, but I like goals, and goals that keep me in shape and healthy are pretty good ones. I feel fortunate that my asthma allows me to run. I just shoot my wheeze before every run and I am totally fine - even in this cold weather! I have run outside when the temperature has gone down to 13 degrees and didn't have any problems.

Kind of tossing around the idea of starting a running blog so I can write about my training, and about running with exercise-induced (allergy, laughing too hard, cold air) asthma and why running has become so important to me. We'll see - perhaps I'll just keep it here.

Happy 2011!

Resolutions:

1. Changing perspective: I tend to make things harder than they are, and I am over it.

2. Enjoying the moment and not rushing on to the next thing. I was caught up in babyhood - changing diapers, worrying, nursing, worrying, not taking the time to enjoy what I was doing in the moment. I started changing that in November and I am continuing to work on it.

3. Sticking with my plans and not letting fear get in the way.

4. Stop being depressed over things I can't control: my kids growing up and me getting older.

5. Being a better more supportive wife.

6. Finishing household projects.

7. Getting organized.

8. Running a half marathon.

9. Working on mastering a hobby. Whether it be learning more about my camera and photography, knitting, learning to sew, cooking, gardening - whatever - I want to do one of those things well.

10. Enjoy my Cbus Mom blog as intended, and not look at it as a job I don't get paid for.

My other mommy

bubbies has been talking about his "other mommy" lately. I am not quite sure who she is, and I keep trying to get him to tell me about her.

Yesterday he said she was bossy. Well, I was quite bossy yesterday and am wondering if it is his way of telling ME that I am bossy without hurting my feelings. But, when I think it is me, I think back to his earlier mention of her where she was a monster with monster eyes. Of course, this is when I remember how much he hates when I look at him with my eyes wide open not blinking. It scares him and we laugh about it.

I am starting to get a complex about this "other mommy" because she's sounding rotten...and like me.

Merry Christmas!!

This year we had a special visitor:

Dad AKA Papa's Birthday

My dad turned 61 on Dec. 11 and we did our annual Dad birthday celebration of going out for sushi, frou-frou martinis, and then cake (white with chocolate buttercream icing). I give my annual gift of something golf or something he requested for his cars (he has an antique Chevy and two corvettes that he loves to tinker with)...and, of course, something chocolate. And, of course, he always asks if he should open the chocolate and share. And, of course, I want to say "yes," but I give respect to the birthday chocolate and decline his offer. It is nice to have birthday traditions.

The kids were exceptional this year at dinner. Not only did they behave, but they ate Miso soup, edamame, and California rolls like champs. I am thankful they enjoy sushi and chop sticks because our family loves it! Happy Birthday Dad!

Boogers - a never ending supply of food

I think my boy thinks boogers are a snack food. I know, gross, but he is at that age where picking his nose is as important to him as playing with trains.

He has had a cold lately which makes it even more challenging to get him to stop. I find myself rushing with a tissue as soon as I see a glimmer of snot leaking from his nostril. It is a race to see who'll get there first: my tissue or his finger. Chances are, if it is his finger the next step is putting that booger laden finger in his mouth.

The other day Shane saw him digging for gold and did the old spell out the words so the child has no idea you are talking about them trick. In a mix of English words and letters hubby said, "did you see h-i-m (b/c bubbies recognizes his name) pick h-i-s-n-o-s-e?" Then hubby's voice amplified in that can you believe it effect and he said, "then eeee -a-t-e them!"

I just said, "yes, I know. He does it all the time."

Once bubbies got the boogers out Shane told him to "get mommy." bubbies came over to me and held his booger out on his index finger, and I said, "what do you want me to do with that booger?"

bubbies replied, "eat it!"

I laughed so hard I think I peed a little.

40!?????

I can't believe I am 40 today. FORTY.

Well...I am trying to be happy about it. Can you tell by the picture?

At least I've lived this long.

Just wait 'til I'm 80! I'll have even more stories to share, but for now, here are a few of the memories that make me happy. I wrote forty of them (not in any particular order - the last is just as important to me as the first):

1. Sleeping in my room on Shawnee Hills during the hottest summers wishing I had some huge ice berg I could put in front of my fan to blow cool air on me. I remember sleeping in a pool of sweat and being so angry about being hot.

2. I was pregnant with P and was watching the house and dogs for my parents. They had just moved to Delaware and I was planning to spend the night. Hubby was heading over with me and we saw a dog on the side of the road looking hurt and lost. We got out of the car and chased that dog for 45 minutes and never caught it. Hubby told the neighbors all about it and they said they'd keep an eye out. That night I bled and was scared to death (after two very traumatic miscarriages) that I was going to lose that one too...thankfully I didn't.

3. Laying on the blow-up mattress downstairs while the upstairs carpeting dried from being cleaned. P was 2 and E was just a wee baby. We watched Peter Pan, it was raining, kind of a dark and damp feeling, but we loved being together - the kids and I.

4. 1995 Ohio Rennie Summer - my goodness was that a good time. And, I met Kelly, who is a Ya-Ya to me.

5. Napping in Hyde Park with my buddy Kris Burke.

6. The way I felt the first time I saw a bronze plaque in Rome that represented all the land the Roman Empire controlled. The Romans and their Empire weren't just stories. :)

7. Going to school with my mom for the day. I loved being in her classroom and watching her teach the kids. We'd have lunch together in the teacher's lounge and her teacher friends were all so sweet.

8. Having to get elastic strips put in my go-go boots for my flag corps uniform in high school. My calves were too fat and I couldn't get the boots zipped up.

9. How Phoebe or Hershey would block the driveway whenever I was leaving my parents' house.

10. Watching TV on my parents' white sectional couch in their living room off Trails End. I loved that house.

11. Drinking cheap White Zinfindel and watching Ren and Stimpy with Mary before we'd go dancing at Mustard's. My dad and I would watch the re-runs on the weekends together.

12. Sheilah and I were sitting in the back of the Nana-van after her birthday dinner. She went through every piece of jewelry with me that she wore and what it represented. I loved her love of family and how important each person was to her. What a great lady. I miss her.

13. I was mad at my brother and sprayed Right Guard all over his pillow. He went to sleep that night, got up the next morning, and said "my bed smells so good!"

14. Taking my husband to the wrong hotel after our wedding. What can I say (I was drunk), I got confused.

15. Everything surrounding my wedding - bachelorette party with awesome girlfriends, my showers, and the red wine night telling Jill I didn't want to change just because I was getting married. Shane and I drove to RI and back in 3 days for our family wedding shower out there. My mom commenting on the crystal frame Denise got me as a joke for the one here.

16. P never crawled, she scooted on her butt. Mary always said "girlfriend doesn't want to mess up her manicure."

17. Mary stayed with me for a week when Sam was 3 months old and P was about 5 or 6 months old. We laid in my bed with the babies when it was just getting dark and drank red wine and watched crappy tv.

18. Moving to NYC never having been there. I would do it again today, not NYC, but a place I have never been. It was pretty exciting!

19. My History of Eastern European class at OSU and how much I hated it. The professor was hard to understand and a total snore.

20. Puking down the front of Tammi after too many Electric Lemonades at Purity.

21. Rushing KAO - Kappa Alpha Theta and getting in!...and dropping out after a year. Too expensive and too many ways to get sidetracked from studying.

22. Just getting my new car, which was a stick, and not being able to drive it. I kept stalling it, but dad said I needed the practice. I picked up some girlfriends and had a "rough ride" all the way to The Continent to hang out and flirt with boys. I think some of the girls were drinking Boons or something - I did NOT drink then...I was only 16 for crying out loud (as if that means anything).

23. Shane carried a green lunch box shaped like a monster when we worked at Kreber together.

24. Going to Chicago with Susan. My daughter still talks about that trip. I loved watching her explore the city and enjoy being with her buddy Lady K. Such a great time.

25. Being introduced to playgroup for the first time at Graeters. I met J, S, and H for the first time. Our babies were so little!!

26. Dropping P off at 3 year old preschool on the first day. I couldn't stop crying.

27. Hubby sliding across the floor in his socks at 1492.

28. Watching the Simpsons every Sunday night with our friend "loop" at 1492.

29. Taking a walk with mom on Mother's Day and how upset she was that I waited until the evening to stop by. She thought I forgot about her and that still makes me sad.

30. My dad water skiing.

31. Me attempting to water ski. Took me a while to get it right and I still can't slolam.

32. Ice skating on the river and breaking my leg in 3rd grade. David and my brother thought I was joking! aaaahh! Eddie was working for the fire department at the time and came an splinted me up to get me up to the house.

33. My dad telling me to calm down and take a deep breath when I was walking down the aisle for my wedding.

34. The coo-type giggling P did when she was first born and holding her in my arms while I was wheeled to my room. She sounded as if she was laughing. It was so amazing!

35. Looking at E after he was born and being shocked that he didn't look like P when she was born. Of course, I thought, he is a different baby!

36. Shopping for and buying our first and current home. Hubby and I kept coming over to check it out - we loved it the first time we saw it.

37. My first green 8-hole docs from a place in Little Five Points in Atlanta with Mary.

38. Going to see the first Cirque with Kris at the big yellow tent set up in the city (Manhattan).

39. Nursing P and watching Ugly Betty. She'd always fall asleep nursing and I'd stare at her for the last half of the show and then put her to bed. I hated letting her go, even for the night. :)

40. I had my parent/teacher conference for P's 4 year old preschool yesterday. They say she is doing beautifully and they are glad they got to have her in their class. Yes, again, fight back the tears.

$7.29

P made her first donation.

We do not attend a church, and I have been struggling with how to teach P the meaning of charity, donating, and giving back to society in general. She is still too young to volunteer with me at a soup kitchen or a toy drive, but she isn't too young to put a little money aside for those less fortunate.

I want my children to actively understand the meaning of giving so they will always understand how to be charitable with time or money. I try to be a good role model by taking them with me when I donate to the food pantry, they pick out the toys for Toys for Tots each year (well, since they were 2 and could actually point to something that looked fun), and always announce when it is time to make our annual donation to Dana Farber or when a friend is doing a run or collecting for a cause. Even if I only have a dollar or five bucks to spare - I still want to share, and they can too.

Struggling with how to organize it, I asked my friend Susan (over at Travels With Pirates) how she did it with her daughter. She said she has one piggy bank for savings, one for spending, and one for charity. I loved the idea and quickly instituted it in my home.

Now we now have blue piggy for spending, baby shoe for savings, and the princess Papa Bill painted for her for charity. My next step was to find a suitable charity for her, and well, it kind of fell into our laps! Her preschool collects for "One for Books" through Scholastic. For every dollar donated, Scholastic matches monetary donations with a donation of up to one million books to the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, Kids in Distressed Situations, Inc., and the Kids in Need Foundation. Given P's love for books and reading, this seemed perfect.

So, we sat down; emptied her princess; had a lesson about coins, dollars, and counting coins; added up her savings; and, came up with $7.29 for her to donate.

She jumped up and down and was thrilled to give freely. She was especially excited that with her money, a child will have one book they can look at before they go to sleep. "You mean they don't even have a bookshelf?" she asked, and then proceeded "I love to help so kids can read." Jeez, I love that kid.

Life's Ambition

P says she wants to be an artist. A painter, to be more specific. She wants to paint "pretty little things."

At least he remembers people.

E has been talking about people all week long - friends, family members, and even the dog. He cracks me up. Many of the "events," though, did not happen. Here are some highlights (of course, they read much better than they sound, but E is still only at toddlespeak and his 'r's are pronounced like 'w's):

"Tom hit me."

"Tate took my toys. Then he hit me."

"Kendall took my toys. Then she hit me." (P said, NO, she is my friend...but, I am not sure how that coincides with the hitting part)

"Papa Bill gave me those books." (actually, Aunt Nise did, so really he just made that up)

"Dawyl is a wockstaw." (by far my favorite)

"Loki kicked me." (wow, a dog that can kick. Now, I need to get that on youtube)

"I want a choo choo." (I put that in there because 90% of our conversations revolve around choo choos)

I don't want to go to heaven

Last night, I was summoned upstairs by a distraught 4 year old telling me she didn't want to die. "Mommy, I don't want to die and go to heaven. Mommy, I don't want to grow old and die and I don't want you to die!" Whoa. Heavy. I really hadn't thought about this conversation, I mean, we have spoken about my parent's dogs dying and how her Nana passed when she was just a baby; but, we never talked about her dying...or even that it was a possibility.

I was a bit dumbfounded, and I am not even sure I handled it in a decent way. I tried, though, through tears I that I lied about and said were because of allergies. Her biggest concern was going to heaven. Where was it? How would she get there? Why would she have to go? Who else was there? What do you do there?

Then it hit me. How could I tell my child that she was going to go to heaven when I didn't even know if heaven really existed? I mean, do I stack this up with the lies I have been telling her about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? I am having a really hard time with my own faith much less guiding her in her faith. She asked me how I knew about heaven and how did *I* know she would be going there. It was really sweet though, she was so concerned about it and genuinely worried and curious. My heart was full.

This is where I am hating myself for not having enough faith. I am on the sea of questions at this moment, and I can't guarantee my darling P that there is a heaven. I can't. I am not challenging a higher being to prove it to me, but I am struggling on my quest for faith. And, I don't want to bring my daughter down with me.

So, this is what I said, not verbatim but in a nutshell:

"P, you need to put the thought of dying out of your head. I don't want you worrying yourself about that; but, honey, everybody dies. You are still a tiny girl and have many years to live. Mommy wants you to concentrate on having fun, being good to your brother and your family, and being a kind and loving friend. Those things are what's most important."

She said, "I don't want to get older! And, when I go to heaven you have to come with me!"

I said, "I will probably be there waiting for you."

She said, "Mommy, if I am going to heaven, I need to take my Jessie doll and my lip gloss."

I can barely write all of this without bringing myself to tears.