First Birthday

We had Miss P's first birthday party yesterday. It was such a blast! I can't believe how fast it went, though. boohoo.

We had a really busy weekend getting the house ready, and Saturday we had a garage sale that went pretty well. That helped get some of the crap out of here. After we got everything broken down from the sale we cleaned, mowed, planted, scrubbed, etc. The house is now very clean...except for laundry. I am hoping to keep up with it!!

Sunday we did a few last minute things in the morning which stressed me out. Nothing like trying to find a punch bowl one hour before the party. Why was a punch bowl so hard to find? I should have done it earlier, admitdly, but I was so busy with getting the house in order and doing my schoolwork. I was kind of hoping a punch bowl would just show up if I wiggled my nose and made a wish for one.

Miss P was absolutely adorable. She loved having everyone here and playing. She didn't cry except when I took her away from everyone to change her diaper. She looked like a little angel. Pretty much everyone showed up and hung out for a while. We had chicken and egg salads, veges, mac-n-cheese, beans and of course, cake and ice cream. I made sangria and this yummy punch with sherbert in it. Almost everything got eaten up, too!

The person who made the cake was a friend of my parent's. She made an extra little cake for Miss P. The baby didn't really know what to do with the cake and pretty much just played in the icing for a while. She didn't eat very much of it. My little sweetie - preferring veges over cake....yeah, right. I took her dress off so she could get as messy as she'd like. After the icing fest hubby and I put her in the bath. There was cake all in the tub - it was hysterical! She had icing in her hair, smeered on her face and I put an orange icing "P" on her chest signifying "Super P!"

Then we put her in her little dress her auntie D made for her. D made dresses for all the cousins!! They all matched and they all were adorable. My cousin Christina's little girl is only 2 months and looked so adorable in that little dress!! My friend Beth, a very special girl, took pics all day for me. She even had a dinner date and stayed to take pics of the girls in their matching dresses. I couldn't thank her enough!! I can't wait to see them all.

The pics I took aren't that great, but I did get some great moments. I was really busy hosting, and I don't know if I got to everyone, but I tried. I really just wanted to sit on my deck and drink the sangria I made.

We had a ton of people here - Grandma and Grandpa, Auntie D and Uncle P and the kids, Carol, Rick, Dee Dee (great aunts and uncles), Great Grandpa, Cousins Candyce and fam and Brett and fam, and a lot of our friends. Everyone made the day so incredibly special.

Now, I thought I would be sad that my baby was turning one. Like I would feel something was over. But really, I am not sad. I am so so happy to have P in my life and look at her first birthday as only the beginning of a wonderful life together. I have to say though, I did shed a couple of tears because I love her so damn much.

Peek-a-boo

Today Miss P had music class. This was one of the best decisions I have made with her because she LOVES to go. Today we sang a peek-a-boo song and used scarves to cover our faces.

Miss P grabbed the scarf and was playing with it, but when we sang the song she actually held the scarf and played peek-a-boo with it. She would hold the scarf in front of her face and then pull it down when we said peek-a-boo and would smile at Mrs. Julie. I almost cried because it was so cute and to see her do that just made my heart melt. She is growing up! It was so adorable. The song went to the tune of the "Three Little Indians" like this:

(you hold the scarf in front of your face)
Where oh where oh where is mommy
Where oh where oh where is mommy
Where oh where oh where is mommy
Here oh here oh here is mommy
(pull the scarf down)
Peek-a-boo!

Also, after ever song Mrs. Julie says "sshhhh" so it becomes really quiet. Then we all clap and yell "yeah!" Well, Miss P has that down and now claps and yells yeah with us. I love it.

Church

So, I finally went to church yesterday. I went to this Catholic Church really close to my house. Shane and I have been there before, but that was over a year ago! I have been looking for a church for a few years now! You'd think I could just make up my mind, but it isn't that easy.

I wanted to find a church I felt comfortable attending alone...well, now with Miss P. I also wanted a church I felt fit my worship style. I also think that it is important that the reverand's message is something that fits into life and can be used to help make me a better person. Well, this church had all of those things, and being so close to my house makes it all the better.

The 9:30a mass has childcare. I left Miss P with the women in there and she did really well. The one woman said she was really quiet and cried a couple of times, but that when she picked her up she quieted down right away. When I went to get her she seemed a little mad at me. Almost as if she felt like I just left her...which, I guess I did. I think that is good for her, though. She can't always be around mommy, and I need to know that if I get a babysitter for her who she doesn't know that she will be okay. If she totally freaks out in there I guess I just leave her home with daddy, but I don't think that will happen!

Scooter

It seems as if Miss P will be nicknamed Scooter by her Grandpa. He thinks it is so funny the way she scoots around the house. She doesn't do the traditional crawling on all fours - she has found a better way to get places. She scoots on her butt and pulls herself with her arms. This allows her to carry a toy or have hands free to drag along a blanket, teddy or the laundry I am trying to fold. It is really quite humorous. Traveling in this fashion also allows her to skip the step of putting herself in a sitting position because she is already there upon arrival.

Well, I was waiting for the day she'd scoot over to the dog bowl. She has found it hilarious to splash the water in the dog bowl and then pour the water out of the bowl and dump the food dishes. Yesterday, after she dumped the food she decided to put it back in the bowls piece by piece. Of course, she only got through three pieces before she got bored and needed to do something a bit more destructive. So, she decided to dump the pieces out of the bowl that she just put in there into the dogs' water bowl. Then she picked up another piece and put it in her mouth. Quickly though, she realized the dogs' food tasted like crap and spit it out. I got it all on video.

I plan to post it to youtube and will list the link when I do.

Songs for Miss P

I think my daughter's ego is going to be quite enormous. Songs I sing her are totally ego-stroking...if she understood the words. Ha!!

One song I sing goes to the old Mickey Mouse Club intro. I spell her name to Mickey Mouse and then sing "Who is the cutest baby in the whole wide world?" then I end with "YOU are!!" She loves it.

Then I sing this to her if I can get through it without crying...because like Burt Bacharach I am a dweeb...

Why do birds suddenly appearEvery time you are near?Just like me, they long to beClose to you.

Why do stars fall down from the skyEvery time you walk by?Just like me, they long to beClose to you.

On the day that you were bornThe angels got togetherAnd decided to create a dream come trueSo they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of goldAnd starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in townFollow you all around (except I change "girls" to boys)

Just like me, they long to beClose to you.

On the day that you were bornThe angels got togetherAnd decided to create a dream come trueSo they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of goldAnd starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in townFollow you all around.

Just like me, they long to beClose to you.Just like me (Just like me)They long to beClose to you.Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.Hahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.Lahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

Eating

Miss P officially feeds herself now. boohoo. I can still feed her some things, but she prefers to eat herself. She can only hand feed, and I am betting using the spoon won't be far behind. She likes to do things herself.

I am finding out that she loves bread, muffins, vege dogs and PAPER! I let her go through my wallet because she likes to pull my cards out of it. Well, I have to take out the receipts before I give it to her because twice she has eaten them...not the whole thing, just pieces. gross.

I have to also watch her because she likes to pull bits out of the carpet and sample them, too. I try to sweep everyday or every other day, but with dogs you can't keep up on all the small bits that get brought in from their paws. I can only imagine how much shit she has eaten and she isn't even one....okay, now I am grossed out.

Only a mother...

Only a mother can get all goobelly goo over their child feeding themselves for the first time or doing something that you only showed them once how to do. It is incredible the things I get mushy about that Miss P does, or even doesn't do.

A few weeks ago P grabbed her baby's hairbrush (yes, the baby doll came with a hair brush...go figure) and started brushing her hair with it. I couldn't believe it! We just started brushing her hair after her baths. Her hair would be totally crazy messy from the towel drying and it had to be tamed. I had only brushed her hair twice before she picked up the little orange plastic toy brush and did it herself. Of course, my child IS a genious.

BUT, so now she could brush her own hair, but she couldn't feed herself. Well... until two days ago.

She had been trying to get food in her mouth for a couple of weeks, but kind of stopped trying after endless attempts gone wrong. Then just the other day she picked up a Cheerio and put it right in her mouth. I went overboard with excitement and she did it again. Again...my child is a genious.

Later that day she sat down with our Gerber Sweet Potato puffs and ended up eating the whole container...well, between her and the dogs. She kept reaching in and grabbing handfuls, so I let her. It was too cute to stop. Plus, I wanted her to keep practicing. And believe it or not, that little thing still ate all of her dinner and nursed before bed. Mind you...she is only 17 lbs at 11 months and 29 inches. Tall and skinny with a hollow leg, I guess.

Suet

Suet: oily or greasy matter making up the bulk of fatty tissue in animals and in seeds and other plant tissue. This fat is mixed with seed to make bird food.

I never knew what it was until we got the cold snap in March. Three robins lost their lives on our front porch because of starvation from the cold. The berries they usually eat in the winter had become frozen making it hard for them to swallow. It was so sad to see them struggle trying to ingest a frozen berry. Many birds would swarm around one tree trying to get food. I took bread out to them and currants, but little did I know that suet was a choice food for robins in the winter. I had no idea what it was so I had to research it - but then I didn't know where to find it. I finally saw it at Giant Eagle the other day...of course, by this time it was too late to save the lives of the little birdies that died in our front yard.

We decided to get suet feeders and keep them in our yard. Hubby and I want to be sure that if a bird comes into our yard it will find food. We picked up the suet feeders at Big Lots! and suet at Krogers. How easy is that? Why couldn't I figure that out a month ago?

Well, now we have two feeders hanging from trees in our backyard. There is a cardinal and two squirrels keeping guard of the green wire cages full of fat and seed. They vanish when the dogs go out to pee. It is quite humerous to watch the wildlife guard the food and then the dogs guard the yard from the wildlife. I just hope Piper doesn't catch one.

GROSS!

So, Easter was going great. We took Miss P to her first Easter Egg hunt at the school behind our house and she got her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. She even "found" her first egg. It was so cold and she just sat there and played with the green plastic egg like it was a new toy. She kept scrunching up her nose and making a silly face. Luckily, I had my camera!

Easter morning she got her little basket with yellow gingham lining, a Peter Rabbit book, a few plastic "hippo" eggs and a stuffed pink bunny. We were playing hide the eggs in the cup and have her choose where it was. It was funny because when we stuffed her little bunny in the cup she cried...twice. Twice because of course we had to do it two times to see if she'd react the same way. ha! She liked the bunny, but she loved the yellow plastic grass in her basket. It was so cute to see her pull it out and play with it. Daddy took it away because he thought it could be a choking hazard.

So, all morning we played and had so much fun. Hubby and I ate a colored egg and then I went to dig into the yummy Anthony Thomas chocolate eggs hubby got me. It isn't Easter without those little chocolate eggs in colorful foil wrapping...well, until today. I opened up a bright blue foiled egg and much to my surprise were BUGS munching on my chocolate and making that delectable little egg their home! Bugs in my chocolate egg I wait a full year to get, bugs in my chocolate egg I waited until Miss P went down for a nap to eat and enjoy, bugs in my chocolate egg hubby was so kind to get for me because it is tradition. YUCK! So, I ate a Peep instead and kind of felt ill thinking there was a bug in there, too.

The Feminine Mistake

Everyone has such differing opinions on "to stay at home or to not stay at home." In a world driven by money, I am not surprised that many feel that stay-at-home mothers are making a huge mistake. But, all in all, I am hoping that when people make the decision to quit their jobs to raise their children that it is done with a plan, not just haphazardly...or by society's influence.

The latest thing I heard was on the Today Show. Ann Curry interviewed Leslie Bennetts who wrote the book The Feminine Mistake. Basically, Bennetts made the point that women are misinformed when they make the choice to quit their jobs to raise their children. She blames the media on covering horror daycare stories or not focusing on what it means financially to a family for the woman to quit her job. Here is her response to many critical responses: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/leslie-bennetts/the-feminine-mistake_b_44690.html

I commend her for voicing her thoughts and concerns on women staying at home, but I also do not agree with the fact that she thinks most of us make our choices based on what the media says. It is amazing to me that women would even make a choice whether to quit their job or not based on what was said on their local news or CNN. How can Bennetts think we are all so weak-minded that we can't live our own lives or make up our own minds without the influence of the media?

The media is a paid service. It is a disgusting business that is based on what story is the most sensational and will get the most viewers to tune in. Think about what you see on your local news - murder, missing children, fires, controversy...people love shocking stories. Look at national news - it is all about entertainment. Tabloid stories about celebs or choosing the most hair raising statistic, such as: men lose weight faster than women, even if they do the same exercise and make the same food choices...why? Or a little boy who likes vaccuums. WTF? Stupid, yet, highly entertaining. And that is it, it is entertaining. So, why do people take what they see to heart? I worked with the news for a long time "selling" them stories, and luckily I learned how it works.

Knowing what I know, it saddens me that many women would listen to stories on the news to make their life decisions. At least, that is the point Bennetts is trying to make. She totally attacked the media in her interview, and frankly, it made her look stupid. At least to someone like me who made the choice to stay-at-home with Miss P with the TV OFF!

picky, picky

So, what's up with my baby being a picky eater? I guess she takes after her mother. I have specific ways I'll eat things and where I will eat them - I'd never win on Fear Factor. I won't even eat the Fear Factor candy because it looks so gross...and I LOVE sugar.

This morning was a case in point. I made her oatmeal with whole milk and yummy apples and blueberries (fruit from a jar; I am not that good) and mixed it up really well. She hated it. So, then I blended it up together to get the "curd-like" texture out of the oatmeal. She hated it. I wanted to be sure she got her oats, so I thought and thought about what to do next. Then it came to me. Mix that mixture with yogurt and see if she'll eat. That was a winner! She ate two bowls full.

Breakfast ended up taking 45 minutes. haha! Anything to make her happy, I guess. I just want to make sure she eats. Now, that goes against what my pediatrician said. He basically suggested that if she doesn't eat what you present to her then she doesn't eat. He said I can't keep trying to make her happy because then it will be a game of trying to figure out what she wants every meal...for the next five years. To me, though, I need to figure out what she likes now so I know what to fix her and to make sure she actually eats. I have to admit, though, I can be a big push over. Oh well. I may end up going crazy later, but right now my baby is eating and that is most important to me. I've got the time when it comes to my darling daugher to make her happy, so I will.

Doting mother

I am writing this mainly because I don't want to forget these moments, and partially because I am just a damn proud mama. Yesterday was Miss P's final swim class, and like any other day we changed after class in the locker room. The locker room is always crammed after swimming classes end with wet toddlers and babies whose mamas are changing them into their dry day clothes. Well, as I was gathering up our wet suits and towels a woman stopped and just stared at Miss P. There were tons of other babies there, but something about my daughter caught her eye.

She said, "your baby is so beautiful; I can't get over what a lovely little girl she is." I just beamed and said thank you. We continued to have a nice conversation and as we began to part ways the woman looked at Miss P and said again that she thought she was just a gorgeous little baby. I was so proud and overjoyed that someone was that thoughtful to stop us and oogle over the love of my life.

And, this isn't the first time I have been stopped. Many times I have had people comment on what a beautiful baby Miss P is, and I am always graciously accepting of the compliments. But, there is another time I remember vividly. I was shopping at Giant Eagle and had Miss P in the Bjorn. An older gentleman stopped me while I was looking at black beans and gushed at Miss P and me and told me that she was one of the most beautiful babies he had ever seen. Compliments just kept pouring out of his mouth. He even grabbed his wife and told her she had to see "this" baby. I was so embarressed, but also quietly enjoying the attention my baby was getting. I actually loved it...

I loved it mainly because I am so thankful that I have been blessed with a beautiful child. Not because of her outer beauty, but because of the joy and love she has brought to hubby and me. She is truly a lovely little baby when you just gaze upon her, but more importantly, I can tell what a lovely little personality she is going to have and how loving she has portrayed she will be from the inside. I just adore her and look forward to the day when she is able to read and understand this post.

Scooter

Miss P is scooting all over the place and needs to be watched like a hawk. Yesterday, I left her in the living room playing with her toys and a dreaded Einstein video (not a fan of her glued to the TV set) so I could make dinner. Well, the next thing I heard was a hard bonk on the floor, and ran around the corner of the kitchen to a screaming baby that just did a face plant on the hard tile floor. I felt so bad because she was scooting to see me and I wasn't watching her.

Earlier that day we were at baby playtime and she face planted the floor and a toy, so she already had a red mark on her cheek! I guess I have to get used to it. I know she needs to learn to get around and part of that means hurting herself as she learns her body's boundaries. As she learns she can get around, she has also become more demanding of me and my time. She is learning what to say and how to act to get me to pay attention to her, play with her or feed her. It is pretty cool to see her grow and express her emotions, needs and little desires. I am so happy I get to stay home with her to see these changes first hand and not hear about them from a daycare provider.

Loki and Piper are better with her. Well, Piper steers clear of her, but Loki is excited that she can finally play with her! It is really cute. Hopefully, Loki won't get pissed and take a chunk out of her.

Yum!

Can Miss P actually be saying words? Yes, I think so. She may not really be putting the meanings I think she is putting to words, but most of the time I swear she is. For instance,

Dada or dayyee: that is daddy for sure, she says it when she sees him
Dawyee: dog, she says this when she refers to the dog
Mama: not sure if she means me when she says it, because she always says nawnaw or teetee when she sees me
Yum!: when she wants another bite of food or today...

I brought in a cup of yogurt to eat while she was playing. She saw it and scooted towards me saying Yum! Yum! Yesterday, I gave her some of my yogurt and she loved it, so I am pretty sure she remembered what the cup looked like and wantd some. Super cute.

New car!

So, how many people can actually be sad when they get a new car? Well, count me in that minority. I just got a new car yesterday and felt more like crying than jumping for joy. See, the last time I got a new car it was because the last one was a piece of crap and actually cost more money fixing it than the car was worth. Ah yes, not so fond memories of that 97 Volkswagon Jetta, BUT great memories of the car I got in its stead: a 2004 Scion XB. LOVE that car.

My Scion started to be a part of me...well, not exactly, my point is, anyplace I went I never lost my car. Plus, I talked to endless amounts of people about the car. Everyone had a comment from, "it looks like a mini on steriods" to "that car has a lot of room" then a nod, which solidified the fact they thought the car was "interesting" to say the least. I know the XB is very different looking than other things on the road, and that is part of the reason I love(d) it so much. However, all that love doesn't change the fact that there simply is not enough room to cart my darling daughter around and get groceries. It really wasn't meant for a stroller, baby gear, a car seat and baby toys on top of doing all of your errands. Anyone with a baby knows there are certain things that just stay in the car because you are either: a. too lazy to keep bringing it in just to bring it out the next time you go someplace, b. you can just leave it and c. why bother taking it out when you never know where you'll be, and heaven forbid you don't have that thingy you put in the cart at the grocery store to keep your child semi-germ-free.

I complained to hubby a number of times that it doesn't have enough room and he was getting tired of driving his little 99 standard civic to work. Now that he is a manager of a Fortune 500 internet department he can't be towing co-workers around in a car that they can barely get in and out of...or possibly not fit in...that car is not big. So, we went to the auto show and saw a cute car that looks like a minivan on a shrinking pill - the Mazda 5. It is all the rage for families in Europe and Japan and they are only bringing 60,000 of the cars to the US this year. It is cute, great to drive and has plenty of room...but, it just isn't my XB. How silly is that?! I get what I want and am sad.

Hubby and I discussed it and came to a few conclusions:
1. It signifies that I truly am a mom and am looking out for my family, not simply to have a cool car.
2. Guilt: part of the money we spent on the car came from what Sheilah left us. It solidifies the fact she won't be back. I wore her ring yesterday so she was with us...maybe that is why we got such a good deal.
3. Guilt: because I am getting the next new car, when really it should be Shane. BUT, he loves the XB as much as I do. The car is practically still new and just needs a wash to shine like it did the day we bought it. The XB gets tremendous gas mileage, too.

In essence, I just needed to get this off my chest so I just go drive my car around and stop being a woosie.

Firsts can also be sad...

Last night I went to dinner with a couple of friends. Hubby came home early so he could watch Miss P and feed her dinner so I could hit the road. I was excited because I hadn't seen my friend Beth in a while and I wanted to hear about her trip to the Keys...plus I was craving a calzone and a glass of red wine.

Anyhow, dinner was great. We talked about the place we both used to work and all the gossip. Turns out there are a lot of new things going on at the old place of employment. Of course, all weird, psycho things that make me cringe thinking I could have EVER worked there. Such as, berating an employee for not meeting deadlines that he can only meet if he is given the material and direction from the higher up, and the higher up sucks as a manager and can't get her shit together to even meet HER deadlines much less help out her subordinate. Or...moving a person into an entirely new position without even discussing it with them first. Strange with a capital S I tell ya. The list could go on, but why bother? I just gave them too much energy just writing this much about them.

We also talked about the glorious weather in Florida and the fun time my friend has snorkling, kayaking and just hanging out. I was so jealous because the weather here is such a nightmare. I heard someone from Britain speaking on NPR about how Brits can be cranky even with their own friends because of the constant drizzle. Well, I feel the same way about Ohio. Ohio weather is no fun.

Well, dinner ended and it was time for me to go home. I was excited to see my little girl's smiling face and her whine for me to come pick her up. I mean, she obviously missed me, right? She obviously could barely get by without me, right? She couldn't possibly go to sleep without kissing her mommy goodnight or her night nurse, right? Well, no, not right, not correct. I got in the house and there was hubby eating dinner and I asked where P was. He said she was asleep. WHAT?! ASLEEP?! She can't possibly be doing that. She is supposed to be missing me, kissing me, and having me nurse her to sleep.

So, I marched my butt upstairs to see what? Nothing but my darling angel fast alseep. I just stood there and listened to her breath for a while...long enough for hubby to scold me telling me I was going to wake her up. I was sad thinking how perfect their night was without me. Then the morning came.

I went in to bid her good morning and we cuddled our morning cuddle. I then took her in for her morning diaper change when low and behold there was a nice big turd and diaper rash so red I could see it flaming in the dark. Could it be possible that the perfect little night P had with daddy ended with daddy putting her to bed with poopy pants?

Slob?

It is 3:15p and I am STILL in my pajamas. I just got P dressed..wtf? Shouldn't she be dressing herself?

Carpet cleaners

I have the carpet cleaners coming today. We have two dogs that are totally like little children. They are allowed up on the furniture, they sleep with us and they go to the doggie spa to get groomed (Petsmart). We had to get a dog with hair because I am allergic to most animals, but since they have hair they get filthy. Unlike a dog that can just shed dirt with fur, we have to actually bathe or wipe them off constantly.

Well, given that, our carpets are disgusting. I didn't realize how disgusting until I looked at the footies in Miss P's sleeper...they were brown. I was mortified. Just thinking about all the other babies and children playing in our living room, eating stuff off of the floor and rolling around...oh goodness. I remember my sister-in-law complaining about someone's house having dirty carpets. She said when she brought her son home his knees were brown from crawling around on the floor. I thought to myself how could someone have such filth in their home with children, and then I had one of my own and saw how easy it is to let a mess pile up. Okay, so I am known to be a bit of a slob, but never dirty...that just grosses me out.

On another note: I never thought I'd be saying these words, "honey, PLEASE do not poke mommy in the eye and pull her hair. It hurts me." What am I - abused by a baby? hahaha!

Drama...much?

I think I was overreacting to hubby's conversation. I spoke with him about it and he thought it was a good conversation and was a little surprised when I said I was feeling a little blue about it. He did not intend for it to be anything but an expression of his feelings...and sincerely, I thought it was tremendous on his part to tell me he always wants to work things out and not lose our communication with each other because of kids.

I agree, and I didn't get married to throw it in the shitter when things get hard. Marriage is work...hard work sometimes, but it is worth it. My hubby and I get along well - even when I get a little dramatic or out of my mind I know he'll always understand me or at least try to. I appreciate the fact that he feels he can talk candidly with me and that I can with him. I hope to always be able to do that - and I will work to be sure I do.

As I have said before and will say again - I am lucky, very lucky to have such a wonderful family.

A "talk"

So, hubby and I were sitting down to dinner last night and he wanted to share something he had been thinking about for a little while. Basically, it was an observation of how different our lives have become. He said we used to have so much in common when I was working. We were on the same playing field in that we both worked in an agency setting. Now, I stay home with Miss P and he goes off to a corporate job he took last August, which makes our conversations very different.

He said we used to be able to connect, but now our days are so completely opposite that we don't share that work conversation commonality. He said that he felt this is why couples grow apart and so many divorces happen when the children leave the nest. Because husbands and wives let that gap grow between them when the children arrive in the communication arena. He said he didn't want that to happen to us. He said that once a month he wants us to do something so that we can just be together and talk. I asked if that is what would make him feel better about our relationship - kind of fishing to see if he was truly unhappy and that is the reason he is talking to me about this topic.

From what I gather, he was just talking about some feelings he was having. And I appreciated that. I also appreciate that he wants our marriage to work and not to fail like so many of our friends' marriages. Or have a marriage that is full of grudges and anger towards the other person for "forgetting" about them or for not having open communication.

It seems to me that maybe he would like to really explore his job and possibly have the freedom to just hang out when everyone else does. For drinks, dinner or what not. I never stop him from doing those things, and frankly I think it is good to hang out with work people to help build a working relationship. I just hope he can draw the line between work, family and friends. I know he loves us, but does he really want to be with us? After our conversation last night I am a little hesitant to say 100% yes...and I don't know why.

This is where if I could have looked in the future I would have seen this coming. I mean, our lives growing up were totally different. My life was VERY family oriented and my dad played a huge role in our upbringing. He was a disciplinarian, a playmate and a provider. He totally took care of us and we always felt safe that mom and dad would be around when we needed them...or even when we didn't want them around. haha. Shane's family was totally different. His dad passed when he was young and his mom was left to bring up three boys alone - working fulltime and going to school. She married again, but her next husband wasn't the "fatherly" type like my dad was, so to speak. He was a nice man, just not a man that the boys looked to as "dad." Shane and his brothers pretty much fended for themselves...and that is what they are used to. Shane is used to be totally independent and just looking after himself, but now he has a family and I know he struggles with what he should/needs to be doing and what he wants to do. Maybe he is just putting on a happy face and acting like everything is fine - does he truly believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell.