Doting mother

I am writing this mainly because I don't want to forget these moments, and partially because I am just a damn proud mama. Yesterday was Miss P's final swim class, and like any other day we changed after class in the locker room. The locker room is always crammed after swimming classes end with wet toddlers and babies whose mamas are changing them into their dry day clothes. Well, as I was gathering up our wet suits and towels a woman stopped and just stared at Miss P. There were tons of other babies there, but something about my daughter caught her eye.

She said, "your baby is so beautiful; I can't get over what a lovely little girl she is." I just beamed and said thank you. We continued to have a nice conversation and as we began to part ways the woman looked at Miss P and said again that she thought she was just a gorgeous little baby. I was so proud and overjoyed that someone was that thoughtful to stop us and oogle over the love of my life.

And, this isn't the first time I have been stopped. Many times I have had people comment on what a beautiful baby Miss P is, and I am always graciously accepting of the compliments. But, there is another time I remember vividly. I was shopping at Giant Eagle and had Miss P in the Bjorn. An older gentleman stopped me while I was looking at black beans and gushed at Miss P and me and told me that she was one of the most beautiful babies he had ever seen. Compliments just kept pouring out of his mouth. He even grabbed his wife and told her she had to see "this" baby. I was so embarressed, but also quietly enjoying the attention my baby was getting. I actually loved it...

I loved it mainly because I am so thankful that I have been blessed with a beautiful child. Not because of her outer beauty, but because of the joy and love she has brought to hubby and me. She is truly a lovely little baby when you just gaze upon her, but more importantly, I can tell what a lovely little personality she is going to have and how loving she has portrayed she will be from the inside. I just adore her and look forward to the day when she is able to read and understand this post.

Scooter

Miss P is scooting all over the place and needs to be watched like a hawk. Yesterday, I left her in the living room playing with her toys and a dreaded Einstein video (not a fan of her glued to the TV set) so I could make dinner. Well, the next thing I heard was a hard bonk on the floor, and ran around the corner of the kitchen to a screaming baby that just did a face plant on the hard tile floor. I felt so bad because she was scooting to see me and I wasn't watching her.

Earlier that day we were at baby playtime and she face planted the floor and a toy, so she already had a red mark on her cheek! I guess I have to get used to it. I know she needs to learn to get around and part of that means hurting herself as she learns her body's boundaries. As she learns she can get around, she has also become more demanding of me and my time. She is learning what to say and how to act to get me to pay attention to her, play with her or feed her. It is pretty cool to see her grow and express her emotions, needs and little desires. I am so happy I get to stay home with her to see these changes first hand and not hear about them from a daycare provider.

Loki and Piper are better with her. Well, Piper steers clear of her, but Loki is excited that she can finally play with her! It is really cute. Hopefully, Loki won't get pissed and take a chunk out of her.

Yum!

Can Miss P actually be saying words? Yes, I think so. She may not really be putting the meanings I think she is putting to words, but most of the time I swear she is. For instance,

Dada or dayyee: that is daddy for sure, she says it when she sees him
Dawyee: dog, she says this when she refers to the dog
Mama: not sure if she means me when she says it, because she always says nawnaw or teetee when she sees me
Yum!: when she wants another bite of food or today...

I brought in a cup of yogurt to eat while she was playing. She saw it and scooted towards me saying Yum! Yum! Yesterday, I gave her some of my yogurt and she loved it, so I am pretty sure she remembered what the cup looked like and wantd some. Super cute.

New car!

So, how many people can actually be sad when they get a new car? Well, count me in that minority. I just got a new car yesterday and felt more like crying than jumping for joy. See, the last time I got a new car it was because the last one was a piece of crap and actually cost more money fixing it than the car was worth. Ah yes, not so fond memories of that 97 Volkswagon Jetta, BUT great memories of the car I got in its stead: a 2004 Scion XB. LOVE that car.

My Scion started to be a part of me...well, not exactly, my point is, anyplace I went I never lost my car. Plus, I talked to endless amounts of people about the car. Everyone had a comment from, "it looks like a mini on steriods" to "that car has a lot of room" then a nod, which solidified the fact they thought the car was "interesting" to say the least. I know the XB is very different looking than other things on the road, and that is part of the reason I love(d) it so much. However, all that love doesn't change the fact that there simply is not enough room to cart my darling daughter around and get groceries. It really wasn't meant for a stroller, baby gear, a car seat and baby toys on top of doing all of your errands. Anyone with a baby knows there are certain things that just stay in the car because you are either: a. too lazy to keep bringing it in just to bring it out the next time you go someplace, b. you can just leave it and c. why bother taking it out when you never know where you'll be, and heaven forbid you don't have that thingy you put in the cart at the grocery store to keep your child semi-germ-free.

I complained to hubby a number of times that it doesn't have enough room and he was getting tired of driving his little 99 standard civic to work. Now that he is a manager of a Fortune 500 internet department he can't be towing co-workers around in a car that they can barely get in and out of...or possibly not fit in...that car is not big. So, we went to the auto show and saw a cute car that looks like a minivan on a shrinking pill - the Mazda 5. It is all the rage for families in Europe and Japan and they are only bringing 60,000 of the cars to the US this year. It is cute, great to drive and has plenty of room...but, it just isn't my XB. How silly is that?! I get what I want and am sad.

Hubby and I discussed it and came to a few conclusions:
1. It signifies that I truly am a mom and am looking out for my family, not simply to have a cool car.
2. Guilt: part of the money we spent on the car came from what Sheilah left us. It solidifies the fact she won't be back. I wore her ring yesterday so she was with us...maybe that is why we got such a good deal.
3. Guilt: because I am getting the next new car, when really it should be Shane. BUT, he loves the XB as much as I do. The car is practically still new and just needs a wash to shine like it did the day we bought it. The XB gets tremendous gas mileage, too.

In essence, I just needed to get this off my chest so I just go drive my car around and stop being a woosie.

Firsts can also be sad...

Last night I went to dinner with a couple of friends. Hubby came home early so he could watch Miss P and feed her dinner so I could hit the road. I was excited because I hadn't seen my friend Beth in a while and I wanted to hear about her trip to the Keys...plus I was craving a calzone and a glass of red wine.

Anyhow, dinner was great. We talked about the place we both used to work and all the gossip. Turns out there are a lot of new things going on at the old place of employment. Of course, all weird, psycho things that make me cringe thinking I could have EVER worked there. Such as, berating an employee for not meeting deadlines that he can only meet if he is given the material and direction from the higher up, and the higher up sucks as a manager and can't get her shit together to even meet HER deadlines much less help out her subordinate. Or...moving a person into an entirely new position without even discussing it with them first. Strange with a capital S I tell ya. The list could go on, but why bother? I just gave them too much energy just writing this much about them.

We also talked about the glorious weather in Florida and the fun time my friend has snorkling, kayaking and just hanging out. I was so jealous because the weather here is such a nightmare. I heard someone from Britain speaking on NPR about how Brits can be cranky even with their own friends because of the constant drizzle. Well, I feel the same way about Ohio. Ohio weather is no fun.

Well, dinner ended and it was time for me to go home. I was excited to see my little girl's smiling face and her whine for me to come pick her up. I mean, she obviously missed me, right? She obviously could barely get by without me, right? She couldn't possibly go to sleep without kissing her mommy goodnight or her night nurse, right? Well, no, not right, not correct. I got in the house and there was hubby eating dinner and I asked where P was. He said she was asleep. WHAT?! ASLEEP?! She can't possibly be doing that. She is supposed to be missing me, kissing me, and having me nurse her to sleep.

So, I marched my butt upstairs to see what? Nothing but my darling angel fast alseep. I just stood there and listened to her breath for a while...long enough for hubby to scold me telling me I was going to wake her up. I was sad thinking how perfect their night was without me. Then the morning came.

I went in to bid her good morning and we cuddled our morning cuddle. I then took her in for her morning diaper change when low and behold there was a nice big turd and diaper rash so red I could see it flaming in the dark. Could it be possible that the perfect little night P had with daddy ended with daddy putting her to bed with poopy pants?

Slob?

It is 3:15p and I am STILL in my pajamas. I just got P dressed..wtf? Shouldn't she be dressing herself?

Carpet cleaners

I have the carpet cleaners coming today. We have two dogs that are totally like little children. They are allowed up on the furniture, they sleep with us and they go to the doggie spa to get groomed (Petsmart). We had to get a dog with hair because I am allergic to most animals, but since they have hair they get filthy. Unlike a dog that can just shed dirt with fur, we have to actually bathe or wipe them off constantly.

Well, given that, our carpets are disgusting. I didn't realize how disgusting until I looked at the footies in Miss P's sleeper...they were brown. I was mortified. Just thinking about all the other babies and children playing in our living room, eating stuff off of the floor and rolling around...oh goodness. I remember my sister-in-law complaining about someone's house having dirty carpets. She said when she brought her son home his knees were brown from crawling around on the floor. I thought to myself how could someone have such filth in their home with children, and then I had one of my own and saw how easy it is to let a mess pile up. Okay, so I am known to be a bit of a slob, but never dirty...that just grosses me out.

On another note: I never thought I'd be saying these words, "honey, PLEASE do not poke mommy in the eye and pull her hair. It hurts me." What am I - abused by a baby? hahaha!

Drama...much?

I think I was overreacting to hubby's conversation. I spoke with him about it and he thought it was a good conversation and was a little surprised when I said I was feeling a little blue about it. He did not intend for it to be anything but an expression of his feelings...and sincerely, I thought it was tremendous on his part to tell me he always wants to work things out and not lose our communication with each other because of kids.

I agree, and I didn't get married to throw it in the shitter when things get hard. Marriage is work...hard work sometimes, but it is worth it. My hubby and I get along well - even when I get a little dramatic or out of my mind I know he'll always understand me or at least try to. I appreciate the fact that he feels he can talk candidly with me and that I can with him. I hope to always be able to do that - and I will work to be sure I do.

As I have said before and will say again - I am lucky, very lucky to have such a wonderful family.

A "talk"

So, hubby and I were sitting down to dinner last night and he wanted to share something he had been thinking about for a little while. Basically, it was an observation of how different our lives have become. He said we used to have so much in common when I was working. We were on the same playing field in that we both worked in an agency setting. Now, I stay home with Miss P and he goes off to a corporate job he took last August, which makes our conversations very different.

He said we used to be able to connect, but now our days are so completely opposite that we don't share that work conversation commonality. He said that he felt this is why couples grow apart and so many divorces happen when the children leave the nest. Because husbands and wives let that gap grow between them when the children arrive in the communication arena. He said he didn't want that to happen to us. He said that once a month he wants us to do something so that we can just be together and talk. I asked if that is what would make him feel better about our relationship - kind of fishing to see if he was truly unhappy and that is the reason he is talking to me about this topic.

From what I gather, he was just talking about some feelings he was having. And I appreciated that. I also appreciate that he wants our marriage to work and not to fail like so many of our friends' marriages. Or have a marriage that is full of grudges and anger towards the other person for "forgetting" about them or for not having open communication.

It seems to me that maybe he would like to really explore his job and possibly have the freedom to just hang out when everyone else does. For drinks, dinner or what not. I never stop him from doing those things, and frankly I think it is good to hang out with work people to help build a working relationship. I just hope he can draw the line between work, family and friends. I know he loves us, but does he really want to be with us? After our conversation last night I am a little hesitant to say 100% yes...and I don't know why.

This is where if I could have looked in the future I would have seen this coming. I mean, our lives growing up were totally different. My life was VERY family oriented and my dad played a huge role in our upbringing. He was a disciplinarian, a playmate and a provider. He totally took care of us and we always felt safe that mom and dad would be around when we needed them...or even when we didn't want them around. haha. Shane's family was totally different. His dad passed when he was young and his mom was left to bring up three boys alone - working fulltime and going to school. She married again, but her next husband wasn't the "fatherly" type like my dad was, so to speak. He was a nice man, just not a man that the boys looked to as "dad." Shane and his brothers pretty much fended for themselves...and that is what they are used to. Shane is used to be totally independent and just looking after himself, but now he has a family and I know he struggles with what he should/needs to be doing and what he wants to do. Maybe he is just putting on a happy face and acting like everything is fine - does he truly believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell.

People and their kids

Some people crack me up with their babies. There are a lot of different types of mommies - and I would say most of my friends are laid back and see their children as an addition to their family. However, there are those few that try to shelter their children from every little noise, every little cold snap, every person that even remotely makes them whimper, and it drives us all entirely crazy.

We actually have friends whose first born was never seen by us until her second birthday. The parents basically acted so strangely and rudely that we didn't even want to bother coming over. Hubby was treated poorly on many occasions and that just was not suitable to my liking, so I stayed clear as to not open my big mouth and cause animosity. Let's just say there was a time when he went to his friend's house, was asked to take off his shoes..because they may squeak, and asked to go into the basement and speak at barely a whisper as not wake the sleeping baby. And, all the lights were off in the house and the wife was quietly eating her dinner IN THE DARK. hmmm...I am not one to judge, but that was a little odd to me. It seems as if we have another of "those" types of parents on our hands, too. I won't mention names, but I heard through the family grapevine that our darling little family addition may just be sheltered just like our friend's baby.

Luckily, though, the second baby came for our friends and they are 100% different, which I have to admit makes hanging around them much more tolerable. I am just hoping a second child won't need to be a reason the "others" loosen their ties a bit. Can't we all just have fun?!

Babies are meant to make us happy and other people happy. They are learning to how to "be" in this world - why shelter the crap out of them? I mean, noises happen, squeaky shoes happen and loud people happen - and babies are human and need to be exposed to it.

On being a mommy

Motherhood
is to decide forever
to have your
heart
go walking around
ouside your body.

-Elizabeth Stone

I am so smitten

Miss P is one week shy of ten months. She has fly away blonde hair that is usually full of static, two teeth coming in, likes to do raspberries and point at things she wants to play with or get an explanation for. She is so darn cute. She is pushing herself forward like she is going to crawl at anytime, but just doesn't quite have it. I think she is perfectly fine scooting for now. She loves solid foods, but isn't so sure about the homemade stuff. She babbles constantly in her own little language. I am sure if she was with another baby that "talked" a lot they would be gossip hounds.

I can hear it now - my mommy made my food for me and it was terrible - how hard it is to puree sweet potatoes? my diaper was wet for most of the morning and it took the dog to keep nosing my butt for my mommy to finally get the hint. mommy was yelling at daddy this morning over NOTHING and then later she laughed when she was in the bathroom. she called out that she got her period and that it explained everything. I have a new swimming instructor and he makes us go under the water at least once per class!

hahahha. Hopefully my kid isn't really figuring those things out...

I am kind of pissed right now.

I cannot even believe my husband said to me, "do you honestly think your job is harder than mine?"

He then said, "if you are that unhappy staying home then you can get a job."

He was bugging me to massage him after doing EVERYthing for Peyton...well, since she was born. So, that means I am on call 24/7 without help unless I ask for it. He never offers to do anything. I don't get a break. I told him I didn't want to massage him and he basically got all bent out of shape. And get this, he hasn't even used the massage gift certificate I got him for his birthday LAST year.

Okay, I am done venting.

Today

Dealing with death is never easy. Your tears are shed for a long time after a loved one passes. Little things remind you of the person you lost and what could have been. I know I keep thinking about how I need to order pictures to send to Nana, but really, I don’t. Luckily, though, there is still family in RI that misses P and would really appreciate the photos.

P has been such a wonderful distraction. I think that the depression would be worse for hubby if he didn’t have his little girl. She is truly a blessing, and some of Sheilah’s last words to me were to “take care of that baby.” She loved her granddaughter very much and wanted the best for her.

P is changing dramatically day to day. Yesterday she scooted herself to her toy basket and grabbed a bunch of toys out to play. Luckily, one of those toys was the Brown Bear book! She was going through the pages as if she was reading to herself. It was ADORable. She started at 8 months turning the pages to the books I read her. I thought it was a fluke, but she kept doing it. Now at 9 and ½ months she understands the difference between turning the pages and closing and opening the book. It is so cool to see.

She has two teeth on the bottom and I think she is teething for the top two. Time certainly flies. I sit here and hope she crawls soon, but then again I don’t want her to be mobile. It is just one less dependency she will have on mama.

We are in the process of getting her to eat finger foods and drink more than a sip of water from the sippy cup. Since she is almost 10 months I have to think about weaning her off the boob. I could keep nursing, but I really want some freedom this summer….and smaller boobs.

Life goes on...get used to it

We buried Sheilah today. Wow, did that suck. Losing someone you love just sucks; plain and simple. There is a lot I want to write that made the day wonderful...as odd as that sounds, wonderful is the word I choose.

So many people will miss Sheilah dearly. I mean if you didn't you are just a callous human being that didn't deserve the likes of her presence, but ya know, whatevah. :)

Anyhow - today sucked, but we made it through. My darling daughter was a joy. I recieved SO many compliments on how good she was during the mass and everything. Even though her diaper at the mass could have knocked a sick person down, she was awesome. My precious P rocks the house. That in itself makes me so sad because Sheilah isn't here to enjoy her as I do. At least I have the comfort of knowing she is with her Nana, mom and dad - and Anna Nicole Smith. I am sure Sheilah is getting a laugh out of that. She could have been meeting James Woods (who she dated once by the way), but no, it is booblicious Smith. And I am sure Sheilah is having a blast with that. hahahahaha. I don't think we could have wanted it any other way.

Things I want to remember about the passed few weeks:

My husband's strength. I can't imagine how difficult is was for him to say good-bye to his mother. Luckily, she live through him and through his loving baby.

Father Joe was amazing and treated our family with such love and respect. You could tell how much he loved and adored Sheilah.

The family members and friends that came to the wake and gave us supportive words and sympathy for our loss.

The hours that Nicole, Darcy, Judy, Al, Ronnie, Shane, Kelcey, Mary, Rob and Bill spent by Sheilah's side as she took her final breaths of life.

Giving Sheilah the lowdown on American Idol just days before her death. I am so lucky I got to have that conversation with her and now I will have to watch American Idol all season in honor of my beautiful lady.

Haily, Kyle and Alex being so strong as children. They were such precious angels as they sat upstairs during the course of their Nana riding the sickness wave of cancer.

Being overwhelmed with gratitude for Sheilah's jewelry. I cannot believe she left me her wedding ring and band, her watch she wore throughout her sickness and her charm bracelet. What did I do to deserve that? Just another example of Sheilah taking care of her girls - she needed to be sure they looked good.

Marianne's gracious hospitality. Marianne let us stay for two weeks in her home. She has let us just make ourselves at home and has been so comforting to talk to. I just adore her.

Running into Mary at Marshalls. She helped me pick out tops to wear for the wake and the furneral, and Peyton's outfit for the wake. She was Sheilah's best friend and is such a cool chick. I want our relationship to grow - she is another one of the good ones. I want to write her a letter to tell her how special she is...I am so happy she is surrounded by family that think the world of her.

My mom coming in to support our family. She dropped everything on Thursday to make arrangements to come to RI. She is another one of the good ones and I have her as my mother. Lucky me.

We met up with Kelcey and family at the house and Shane came out with a card. Our "Columbus Family" sent us a beautiful card that they all signed. It dropped us to our knees...well, if we were standing it would have. Our friends organized a website for donations and another friend setup PayPal to take care of getting the donations to Dana Farber. They are amazing people. Again, I am a lucky girl.

I am sure I'll more, but right now I need to feed my baby. She needs me.

Life goes on...get used to it

We buried Sheilah today. Wow, did that suck. Losing someone you love just sucks; plain and simple. There is a lot I want to write that made the day wonderful...as odd as that sounds, wonderful is the word I choose.

So many people will miss Sheilah dearly. I mean if you didn't you are just a callous human being that didn't deserve the likes of her presence, but ya know, whatevah. :)

Anyhow - today sucked, but we made it through. My darling daughter was a joy. I recieved SO many compliments on how good she was during the mass and everything. Even though her diaper at the mass could have knocked a sick person down, she was awesome. My precious P rocks the house. That in itself makes me so sad because Sheilah isn't here to enjoy her as I do. At least I have the comfort of knowing she is with her Nana, mom and dad - and Anna Nicole Smith. I am sure Sheilah is getting a laugh out of that. She could have been meeting James Woods (who she dated once by the way), but no, it is booblicious Smith. And I am sure Sheilah is having a blast with that. hahahahaha. I don't think we could have wanted it any other way.

Things I want to remember about the passed few weeks:

My husband's strength. I can't imagine how difficult is was for him to say good-bye to his mother. Luckily, she live through him and through his loving baby.

Father Joe was amazing and treated our family with such love and respect. You could tell how much he loved and adored Sheilah.

The family members and friends that came to the wake and gave us supportive words and sympathy for our loss.

The hours that Nicole, Darcy, Judy, Al, Ronnie, Shane, Kelcey, Mary, Rob and Bill spent by Sheilah's side as she took her final breaths of life.

Giving Sheilah the lowdown on American Idol just days before her death. I am so lucky I got to have that conversation with her and now I will have to watch American Idol all season in honor of my beautiful lady.

Haily, Kyle and Alex being so strong as children. They were such precious angels as they sat upstairs during the course of their Nana riding the sickness wave of cancer.

Being overwhelmed with gratitude for Sheilah's jewelry. I cannot believe she left me her wedding ring and band, her watch she wore throughout her sickness and her charm bracelet. What did I do to deserve that? Just another example of Sheilah taking care of her girls - she needed to be sure they looked good.

Marianne's gracious hospitality. Marianne let us stay for two weeks in her home. She has let us just make ourselves at home and has been so comforting to talk to. I just adore her.

Running into Mary at Marshalls. She helped me pick out tops to wear for the wake and the furneral, and Peyton's outfit for the wake. She was Sheilah's best friend and is such a cool chick. I want our relationship to grow - she is another one of the good ones. I want to write her a letter to tell her how special she is...I am so happy she is surrounded by family that think the world of her.

My mom coming in to support our family. She dropped everything on Thursday to make arrangements to come to RI. She is another one of the good ones and I have her as my mother. Lucky me.

We met up with Kelcey and family at the house and Shane came out with a card. Our "Columbus Family" sent us a beautiful card that they all signed. It dropped us to our knees...well, if we were standing it would have. Our friends organized a website for donations and another friend setup PayPal to take care of getting the donations to Dana Farber. They are amazing people. Again, I am a lucky girl.

I am sure I'll more, but right now I need to feed my baby. She needs me.

Saying Goodbye Sux.

I will try to call later. Today Nic and I are shopping for something to wear to the funeral and for the baby and Hailey. I know that Sheilah would want us all to have something special to wear...even to her own funeral.

Yesterday I sat with her for a good hour/2 hours and got to hold her hand. I told her how God blessed me with her, my beautiful daughter and hubby. I said I am so lucky that the baby resembles her because I can look at my baby and be reminded of her each day. She just said, "oh sweetie." I hope I didn't upset her, but I know I was upset. I am just so grateful I was able to sit with her like that in her bed. Ronnie and Judy were there. Ronnie is was really hanging in there fighting back the tears. There was so much love in that room. Sheilah is/was certainly one of the good ones...like Grandma...and now God will get her back to do more work for him.

I am going to miss her so much. I am so sad Miss P won't get to know her like I did, but the kids reassure me that they will share their memories of Nana with their cousin. I just wanted one trip to Disney with Sheilah, and I kind of got it. Not what I imagined, but at least I can tell Miss P she had one trip to Florida with Nana.

Hubby cried and cried yesterday on the phone when he told me how Sheilah was suffering. She basically said she was ready to go and that she wouldn't last for a few days. I feel so badly for him. He is hurting in the way deep down places of his heart, and I don't think he expected to be in so much pain. He thought that accepting the fate of his mother was enough grieving...unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

I think she was having conversations with her dead loved ones. When I was sitting with her she was moaning and kind of jerking her body. I was thinking to myself she was having a conversation with God and her loved ones getting them ready for her arrival and giving them each a job to do for when she gets there. haha. Then I heard she told Mary that her mom was upset with them - I think that was referring to Bill and his actions. I am sure if Bill's mom saw what he was doing she wouldn't be very happy. I'll write about that later, but maybe not. I really don't want to give any more thought to what a jackass he can be. Sorry, Sheilah, if you get wind of what we all truly think of Bill when you are up there. I just always wanted so much more for you.

Sad Times.

We have been in RI for a week visiting family, and what feels like waiting for Sheilah to die. I know that sounds so morbid, but it kind of feels that way. Shane wanted to stay for a while to be sure his mother is situated. When we extended the tickets we were told by the nurse that she had six months, and then we brought Hospice in and were told the truth. This passed Tuesday the nurse told us…and Sheilah…that she had about two weeks unless her heart gave out on her. Her heart is working as hard at rest as mine would be working if I was running in 30 degree weather. It is incredibly sad, but at the same time it is almost a relief because I know she won’t be in pain any longer. These last few months have been dreadful for Sheilah. Even when she was feeling okay she could barely go to lunch with her friends because walking out to the car was a chore. This is for a woman who was always on the go. The Sheilah I know is a woman who has to constantly be doing something, whether it be crocheting or shopping she was busy.

I haven't been able to sit with Sheilah for the passed two days because my lungs hurt so badly from the cats. I went down for about two hours the other day and the next day I felt like I had bricks on my chest. It was weird, I could breathe okay but I was in a lot of pain. I think since pregnancy my allergy has changed a bit - and I can't say if it is better or worse just different. I feel guilty complaining about my small ailments when my mil is on death’s door. Of course she worries about me even in her current condition…she is amazing.

She still has her wits. She cracks me up…always has. Peter Barrett, a distant family member and funeral director (I think), came over and talked to Sheilah. She said, “let’s get down to it. I want to see prices and caskets.” Hahaha. My dad was a little taken aback when I told him that. I was laughing, but he wasn’t.

I am really looking forward to going home. I miss my dogs a ton and my house...and familiar surroundings. I am more of a homebody than I ever thought I was. I think I am just mature enough to admit it now. :)

On a lighter note, everyone is smitten with Miss P. Her Aunt Nicole wants me to leave her. haha. Can't blame her, my darling daughter is a doll baby. She is cutting her teeth. I can actually feel them in her mouth! She is a whole 9 months old as of Feb. 1 and growing like a weed. She has taken to screaming to get what she wants, which I am trying to break her of because it is barely tolerable. But, I think it is all in the growing stages of her babyhood so I can't complain about it. She loves books and will hopefully be a good reader like her mommy. We shall see.

This is hard.

We were in Boston for five days and have been in RI for three. We are here until Monday, Feb. 5. It is really a difficult time for the family and for Sheilah. I mean, how would you like for someone to tell you your life was going to be over in about 2 weeks...or sooner if your heart gives out on you?

Hospice came yesterday and that was the news they shared with us. We have totally switched from inhome nursing care to Hospice. The Hospice people have been incredible and don't sugarcoat anything, which is good and bad. Bad for those of us who think maybe a miracle will happen and all of the cancer will go away...and that is what we pray for everyday - and good for those who want the information to plan and to also prepare emotionally of life without her.

The thing that is so hard to comprehend is that she isn't going to get better. Sheilah is a fighter and has always gotten better. I keep thinking she will do the same thing this time...even though that isn't the case...

Hubby is really sick and is on antibiotics, Miss P is sick and I am worried about her, and I am feeling like sh*t because of my allergies and can't sleep well. It is a really hard time right now - I am putting all my efforts into taking care of P and being there for family...yet, I feel out of my mind because of allergy medicine and am probably just imagining I am doing any good at all. ha!

What I like to call "Sheilahisms"

Loving Disney and knowing the ins and outs of all the resorts.

"at what point in time"...insert something like "did that person think - hey, when I get up tomorrow morning I will wear that flowered skirt..and thought it was a good idea"

using hand to face gestures while talking

open mouth thought - when she is in the middle of finishing a thought her lips open ever so slightly and she looks down her nose. this is when you don't add your two cents, you just wait for her to finish her thought

calls herself an aging hippie

doesn't leave home without her jewelry.

dangly earrings - usually silver

love for geneology and has traced not only her family, but her daughter-in-laws'

loves coke...well loved because she can't drink it now

killer Lobster Thermadore

always thinks one step ahead - she is so great at thinking about how to make things better - even if it is trivial

giving - she is the most giving person I know - not only monetary, but emotionally

travel - she love (d) to travel. we sent her to Ireland in 2005 and she loved it. she got to see family that she still has over there.

crocheting - even though she says she does it backwards. she crocheted little blankets for the children in the cancer ward...again, thinking of others before herself. she said why should I complain when these children haven't even been able to live life and have this horrible disease.

pool, ocean, lake...she loves water

Catholic - and was always up-to-date on what the church was doing

loves politics

feminist to a point - men should treat women a certain way - she partially thinks all men are dogs....

manis and pedis - she took me to get my first pedi and pretty much all of them in between. those times were so much fun. for Corinna's wedding she took Nic and I get mani/pedi and our hair done - it was such a great day. of course - then I drank too much....stupid me

my daughter looks just like her - I call her "little Sheilah"

I will think of more....but this is what I have off the top of my head.